I didn't want to post till I could do it without crying. Something shifted in my brain last night and I'm like... I'm not okay. I am so very not okay. But I've managed to put most of it over to one side where it's not going to keep making me cry. At least today.

I am going to ask you not to try and be nice to me in the comments, but I'd be grateful for ...ordinary conversationy type remarks, if you can find any.

*DWP are out to get me again. ESA assessment on the way. For maximum fear and loathing, they've chosen to send me a letter to warn me it's coming, but without saying when. I take my hat off to them; they've developed the death of a thousand cuts to a fucking art form.
American friends: I'm sorry, I don't have the spoons to explain fully what this is. Google might tell you, or someone British in the comments might.
It's like a superbomb setting off all my anxiety triggers at once. I'm back to dreaming about scoring heroin and fantasising about suicide while I'm awake.

* I am not going to kill myself. I won't do that to my dogs or to my mother. But it's apparently necessary for me to have a plan for it in place at all times. This week I remembered that my mother has a prescription for the same beta-blockers that John used to kill himself with. That's so much better than my Plan A, which involved going out and buying enough heroin to overdose on. Plus the brainsick romanticism of using the same drug as John did twelve years ago appeals, because apparently there will always be a part of me that's fourteen and thinks that's cool.

* the live human person that probably matters more to me than anyone else is avoiding me because my mental issues were clashing uncomfortably on hers and making it not good for either of us. This was certainly the right decision but it hurt like hell and I've been taking it very badly. It wasn't till last night that the brainshift happened with the startling revelation of the fact I had known from the start: It's not about me and my feelings and my hurtragerejection. Today I am successfully thinking of her feelings instead of mine mine mine, and needing peace and quiet time inside her own brain and IT IS ACTUALLY OKAY instead of me just saying it's okay.

I am still terrifically lonely without her but it's not permanent and the world is full of other people I care about. I'm writing this down to help keep myself in that mental place, or at least to have a snapshot of it in case I start spiralling back into hurtragerejection.

* I have the best goddamn dog in the world. When I cry Spike comes and pokes me and jumps on me and barks till I stop. I love him so much.

* in the middle of all this I'm writing an application to a big, active RP on Dreamwidth, because I am, first and always, a committed masochist. Also angsting about that takes my mind off angsting about the other things.

also you guys. ILU.


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