Winter grey and falling rain, we'll see summer come again

[lizblackdog]

Just took the dogs out. The night was cold and crispy and the sky clear, and the first thing I saw was a shooting star.

Something I didn't mention yesterday to anybody, online or in the flesh, was that yesterday was the sixth anniversary of John's death. I certainly didn't forget it - rather, I made a conscious decision not to react to it in a sentimental or melancholy fashion. John - although he was both an idealist and a romantic in his own cynical, snarky way - was one of the least sentimental people I ever met, and the last person in the world to expect me to remember our love in any other way except living and loving as hard and as well as I could. So that was what I did.

But the star felt like a tangible, visible sign to go with the less obvious ones of the last few months. For the first time in six years, I dare to hope he may have forgiven me.

Comments

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

The fact is, I've never been able to forgive myself; that's what makes me uncertain of his forgiveness. But I also felt that failing to make the most of my life after that would be akin to spitting on John's life and his death, and that would have been far more unforgivable.

As the Emissary put it: I can live with it.

[orac-zen.livejournal.com]

What with one thing and another this morning I lost track of my point, which was this: You're a good person. You messed up, but in the time I've known you've always acknowledged that fact. And as you say you've gone on. I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I admire and respect you for that. This seems as good a time as any. It's a measure of you as a person that's very telling. And that's why I ask why John wouldn't forgive you...because if I know that then he did, too. ;)

Be happy. You do deserve it.