Honey come and be my enemy so I can love you true

Dear Spiders,

Look, I like you guys. I'm no arachnophobe, I never kill you, my flat is full of your relatives because I'm a lazy slob who never cleans in tune with nature and all that, and I think you autumn spiders are particularly lovely with your white cross and your brown and amber and gold mosaic colour scheme.

And I love the webs. Classic, timeless design. I could only wish my own living space were such a perfect combination of beauty and functionality, and I doubt I'd achieve it even if I did have the ability to pull building materials out of my arse. Webs impress hell out of me.

But can you please stop building the damn things right across the dog-walking forest path at eye level? It's bad enough that you make it impossible not to destroy them, but picking you out of my cleavage afterwards can't have been any more fun for you than it was for me.

Yours sincerely,

Me.

Honey come and be my enemy so I can love you true

Dear Spiders,

Look, I like you guys. I'm no arachnophobe, I never kill you, my flat is full of your relatives because I'm a lazy slob who never cleans in tune with nature and all that, and I think you autumn spiders are particularly lovely with your white cross and your brown and amber and gold mosaic colour scheme.

And I love the webs. Classic, timeless design. I could only wish my own living space were such a perfect combination of beauty and functionality, and I doubt I'd achieve it even if I did have the ability to pull building materials out of my arse. Webs impress hell out of me.

But can you please stop building the damn things right across the dog-walking forest path at eye level? It's bad enough that you make it impossible not to destroy them, but picking you out of my cleavage afterwards can't have been any more fun for you than it was for me.

Yours sincerely,

Me.