Hello, darkness, my old friend

[lizblackdog]

so I felt almost normal for ...nearly several days before deathtired drowned me again. most of the last couple of months I've had a kind of deathtired at half-mast. It lifts enough for me to do a few things, clean a little, write a little, but never enough to catch up with the fucking backlog and the drop hurts more every time.

The most frustrating thing is not being able to work out what triggers it. Cutting grains out of my diet seemed to help some, or at least stopped me feeling simultaneously starved and nauseous all day. Pushing myself to the (wildly variable) limit of what I can do on any given day sometimes energises me and sometimes knocks me flat for days and I can't seem to find a pattern there either.

meanwhile, my dogs are going crazy with underexercise and I'm suffocating under filth and unkept promises and more important things than my own fucking inner workings I should be worrying about. I think I would sell my soul to make this stop.

Comments

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

I might try that. It's possible the effort needed to do that will cost me dog walks or washing dishes or taking a bath though, and I don;t have it to spend today. Mostly I just kinda try and remember what I've been doing and eating.

thank you <3

[mcsassypants.livejournal.com]

I was wondering if it might be too much for you to do. *sending much love and energy to you*

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

often I don;t find out that something is too much till I try and do it and fall over for three days afterwards. Then again sometimes I surprise myself being able to do more than I think. I don't want to be the person who never does anything because she thinks she won;t be able to, but the fallout from overestimating is really fucking depressing.

this is me endlessly biting my own tail.

[mcsassypants.livejournal.com]

Poor darlin'. I'd come and make you tea and clean your apartment for you if I could.

[yesididit.livejournal.com]

dude, its like you're in my head saying my thoughts. well ok not the tail thing.

how are you supposed to know and respect your limits when they keep changing!??! how do you know if it'll be good for you to push yourself and take the dogs for a walk, or when pushing would be badbadbad and its time to give the dogs a bone or toy?