gnarrrr!!!

[lizblackdog]

...a friend of mine wrote something, not long ago, about having been accustomed to be the one with the sexual power in relationships: the one with the power to grant or deny sex, the one in control; and I felt a pang of envy then. I've never, ever felt that - my entire sexual life I've felt powerless, always the one hungry for satisfaction and raw with need, always the one doing the chasing in a permanent state of hopeful uncertainty, always pathetically grateful for any interest. The only exception was my husband, where our levels of need matched to perfection and, frankly, it's a wonder we ever made it out of bed long enough to get to the registry office. But even then, I wasn't the one with the power - power just wasn't an issue between us.

It's been my normal state for so long that I can only conclude I must like it like that. I don't think I'd know how to be any other way. I just sometimes really fucking hate it, is all.