Dear Shiny-Headed OCD Clean Freak Down The Hall,
I appreciate that you like our communal hallway to be clean. So do I. But can you stop fucking repeatedly flooding the fucking building with neat fucking bleach? There are fucking pools of it all down the corridor, walking down there made my sodding eyes sting and even my fucking flat stinks of it now from the dogs tracking it in. And they really fucking hate having their feet washed, too. Go live at the public swimming pool if the smell of chlorine gets you off that much, for fuck's sake.
Hoping you choke on the fumes,
Your Neighbour.
Dear Overfriendly Lady In The Next Building,
Exchanging pleasantries with you on a dog walk doesn't mean I want to be your new bestest friend. I didn't even tell you where I lived, and there you were ringing my doorbell which is disturbing enough. Also, I don't mind lending you the odd bit of tobacco but why on earth would you ask a more or less complete stranger to lend you money? The answer is NO, and it's always going to be no however many times you ask. And you can't buy a kitten off me either, firstly because I don't sell animals, secondly because continually asking me for money does not fill me with confidence about your ability to look after said kitten properly, and thirdly because you have small children and I don't trust you to be the sort of mother who can successfully train them not to torment it.
Sincerely not yours,
Liz and the kittens
I appreciate that you like our communal hallway to be clean. So do I. But can you stop fucking repeatedly flooding the fucking building with neat fucking bleach? There are fucking pools of it all down the corridor, walking down there made my sodding eyes sting and even my fucking flat stinks of it now from the dogs tracking it in. And they really fucking hate having their feet washed, too. Go live at the public swimming pool if the smell of chlorine gets you off that much, for fuck's sake.
Hoping you choke on the fumes,
Your Neighbour.
Dear Overfriendly Lady In The Next Building,
Exchanging pleasantries with you on a dog walk doesn't mean I want to be your new bestest friend. I didn't even tell you where I lived, and there you were ringing my doorbell which is disturbing enough. Also, I don't mind lending you the odd bit of tobacco but why on earth would you ask a more or less complete stranger to lend you money? The answer is NO, and it's always going to be no however many times you ask. And you can't buy a kitten off me either, firstly because I don't sell animals, secondly because continually asking me for money does not fill me with confidence about your ability to look after said kitten properly, and thirdly because you have small children and I don't trust you to be the sort of mother who can successfully train them not to torment it.
Sincerely not yours,
Liz and the kittens