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Dear Spike,
I know it's important for you to perform the Mighty Pawing of the Ground ritual after taking your Mighty Shit of a morning, but for the love of Tuggy, don't forget to take that all-important step sideways first. I am not Mary fucking Magdalene and washing your feet afterwards should not have to be part of the ritual.
Much love,
Our Lady of the Mighty Throwing Arm
****
Dear Squish,
Saffron was not "looking at your bone in a funny way". Get over it and stop scaring the cats or I'll take all the damn bones away.
Kisses,
She Who Has Meatball
****
Dear Anonymous Dog Walker,
For fuck's sake get some decent food into your dog. That turd I picked up from the middle of the path this morning was studded with whole corn kernels, and the one that I stepped in yesterday had a uniquely unpleasant slippery glutinosity that caused me to land on my arse in the wet grass. It's very short-sighted of you; after all, who'll clean up after you if I break my neck or puke myself to death?
Hoping your poor unfortunate protein-starved dog eats you,
The Poo Fairy.
I know it's important for you to perform the Mighty Pawing of the Ground ritual after taking your Mighty Shit of a morning, but for the love of Tuggy, don't forget to take that all-important step sideways first. I am not Mary fucking Magdalene and washing your feet afterwards should not have to be part of the ritual.
Much love,
Our Lady of the Mighty Throwing Arm
Dear Squish,
Saffron was not "looking at your bone in a funny way". Get over it and stop scaring the cats or I'll take all the damn bones away.
Kisses,
She Who Has Meatball
Dear Anonymous Dog Walker,
For fuck's sake get some decent food into your dog. That turd I picked up from the middle of the path this morning was studded with whole corn kernels, and the one that I stepped in yesterday had a uniquely unpleasant slippery glutinosity that caused me to land on my arse in the wet grass. It's very short-sighted of you; after all, who'll clean up after you if I break my neck or puke myself to death?
Hoping your poor unfortunate protein-starved dog eats you,
The Poo Fairy.
