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Dear Spike,
I know it's important for you to perform the Mighty Pawing of the Ground ritual after taking your Mighty Shit of a morning, but for the love of Tuggy, don't forget to take that all-important step sideways first. I am not Mary fucking Magdalene and washing your feet afterwards should not have to be part of the ritual.
Much love,
Our Lady of the Mighty Throwing Arm
****
Dear Squish,
Saffron was not "looking at your bone in a funny way". Get over it and stop scaring the cats or I'll take all the damn bones away.
Kisses,
She Who Has Meatball
****
Dear Anonymous Dog Walker,
For fuck's sake get some decent food into your dog. That turd I picked up from the middle of the path this morning was studded with whole corn kernels, and the one that I stepped in yesterday had a uniquely unpleasant slippery glutinosity that caused me to land on my arse in the wet grass. It's very short-sighted of you; after all, who'll clean up after you if I break my neck or puke myself to death?
Hoping your poor unfortunate protein-starved dog eats you,
The Poo Fairy.
I know it's important for you to perform the Mighty Pawing of the Ground ritual after taking your Mighty Shit of a morning, but for the love of Tuggy, don't forget to take that all-important step sideways first. I am not Mary fucking Magdalene and washing your feet afterwards should not have to be part of the ritual.
Much love,
Our Lady of the Mighty Throwing Arm
Dear Squish,
Saffron was not "looking at your bone in a funny way". Get over it and stop scaring the cats or I'll take all the damn bones away.
Kisses,
She Who Has Meatball
Dear Anonymous Dog Walker,
For fuck's sake get some decent food into your dog. That turd I picked up from the middle of the path this morning was studded with whole corn kernels, and the one that I stepped in yesterday had a uniquely unpleasant slippery glutinosity that caused me to land on my arse in the wet grass. It's very short-sighted of you; after all, who'll clean up after you if I break my neck or puke myself to death?
Hoping your poor unfortunate protein-starved dog eats you,
The Poo Fairy.
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2. aw, he thinks that the kitties are going to steal his stuff! how cute! *snicker*
3. very BRAVE of you to be picking up strange dogs' poo; that's one thing that makes me happy about living in the middle of nowhere: i don't have to pick it up. however, i do want you to know that i did think of you when i was in italy, and i saw some couple letting their little dog poop all over the sidewalk and just leave it there. (no, i didn't say anything, as i am obviously ze touriste, but i did give them reeeeallly dirty looks.)
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Spike always has make a huge production out of the kicking (and Squish, after nearly three years, STILL hasn't learned not to stand behind him) but he usually does remember to step away from the poop first.
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And my heart hurts to think of that crap that poor dog's eating :(
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Not dumb though. He's been smuggling beefbones into my bed all week (totally not allowed). I just this second looked over my shoulder and saw one.
Me: What's that doing in my bed?
Squish: That? I have no idea how that got there. Must have been one of those dreadful disrespectful cats. I'll just put it back on the dogbed where it belongs...
Little sod.
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*ded* Absolutely hilarious.
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it was gross. He didn't just tread on it, he ground his foot into it... dickhead!