People ask me when will I grow up to understand

[lizblackdog]

I was born lucky, you know. I started out with good genes, good health and a sharp mind; I was born into a loving, stable family intelligent enough to care about education, wealthy enough to pay a fortune for it and sensitive enough to try and tailor it to my needs. I've had every fucking advantage; I've got no excuse whatever for the world not being my big pearly oyster. Looked at dispassionately, one can't but be impressed. It takes a special sort of perverse, determined, demented genius to turn all that into a train wreck.

There's a reason why everyone I care about is kept at a distance. It's never been for my protection. It's been for yours.

Comments

[slave2tehtink.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you know, I've had the same thoughts about myself. Given my background, I should have graduated nicely from college and been situated in a happy career by now. And yet, not. I was lucky enough to be able to join the Navy and to decide to do it, which is honestly probably the only reason I haven't been working at Wal-Mart for 10 years.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

this is why I need my dogs so badly. they're the only people I've never let down.

thank you.

[slave2tehtink.livejournal.com]

Same here on the dog thing. Also, because they're the only beings in the world that both love me and that are never disappointed in me. I know my family has been from time to time, but according to Tink and Beo, whatever I do is just pretty much perfect.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

I love you too! Though I'm quite sure Tink and Beo love you more. *kisses*

[beebarf.livejournal.com]

But in a way you are lucky - you kind of chose to be a train wreck (and I don't think you are, actually, you seem pretty grounded to me) - with some people, it's inevitable.

You had all the tools - thanks to your brain, your education, your family background - to get yourself out of the mire.

As a chronic under achiever myself, I'm actually in a good place right now. The stuff I've learnt about myself, and the peace I feel now are way more valuable and long lasting than any high powered job or material wealth.

I hope you find that peace, too.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

I'm not too bad a wreck personally, no, barring the odd self-pity day. And yes, it could have been a good deal worse. And you're right, I never wanted a high powered job and I didn't want material wealth badly enough to make the necessary sacrifices to get it. Because if I had wanted either I would have had them. I do always get what I want - my only trouble is making myself want it badly enough.

Thank you :)

[cottonmanifesto.livejournal.com]

awww, ilu.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

thank you thank you thank you!

[cottonmanifesto.livejournal.com]

no need to thank me for the truth! :)

[myrystyr.livejournal.com]

There's a reason why everyone I care about is kept at a distance. It's never been for my protection. It's been for yours.

Bricks in the wall... we all build our walls, only some of us build them higher and thicker than others - which may be why it can hurt more to have a few bricks suddenly ripped out, leaving one exposed...

I'd hug you, except you've a wall there and I've a wall here.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

We'll just have to... clank brinks or something instead.

(Does that sound really dirty or is that just me?)

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

BRICKS. I can spell, honest. I just can't TYPE.

[myrystyr.livejournal.com]

*sound of clanking bricks* so long as you're not on the brink of anything ;)

[ambersaigh.livejournal.com]

I was going to write a simple comment stating my view on "everyone wants what everyone else has" - but my simple comment became, as usual, sentence after sentence of ramble. So I shall simply make a few statements and let you intuit the rest.

The poor want to be rich so they will have no worries. The rich want to be poor so they will have no responsibilities.

The free want restrictions because it means someone cares, and it means you can't be to blame for every decision that goes wrong. The restricted want to be free because they want to make their own choices unhindered.

The chronically stupid want to be intelligent so they can understand more about the world around them and how to move through it. The intelligent want to be more chronically stupid, so they are no longer depressed by being the exception to the rule - and knowing it.

The talentless want talent so they can be special, too. The talented want to be talentless so people will leave them alone.

*hug*

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Ha. You're right, of course. And I shouldn't complain. Trainwreck or not, I'm usually comfortable enough in it. I don't really regret most of my choices, I'm just a bit aggrieved at myself for not having made better use of a series of golden opportunities that other people would have killed for.

Thank you. So much.

[ulva.livejournal.com]

Not that I know what this is about but... I don't know what to say really. Sure, some things were definitely to your advantage and I'm not going to make excuses for all your bad choices, but things are what they are and people still love you and care about you.

That thing about keeping people at a distance because it's for our protection, sorry luv but I don't buy it. I've been telling myself for years that's what it's about but I have come to the hard conclusion that it's not. I don't want to disappoint people when I screw up, that's why I keep people at a distance. I also keep people at a distance because real closeness expose you and all your shortcomings to those who come really close. I just don't want people to discover just how screwed up I can be.

Demanding and selfish as I can be, I still have a great conscience and I hate hurting people I love and respect. Above all, I don't want to lose people's respect. If you hold people at a distance without them really clueing in on it is the clever way to go because then you can tell yourself that you're doing it for their sake and also protect yourself from the "inevitable" pain of losing people you actually love and really can't do without.

Honestly, I think you're quite similar to me. Perhaps a bit more of an exhibitionist. Well, a lot more. Anyway, I love you just the way you are. You have a lot to offer as a human being. That's worth a lot you know.

Besides, those who makes no mistakes can't really relate to other people around them and they don't really learn much either. Try the zen way of looking at things; it's not the goal but the journey.

Oh and you're still alive! Just think about how many that never makes out of the valley of death. You actually did.

***hugs***

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

It's about a thing I was trying to do that I utterly failed to do up to my own standards. I didn't fail entirely but I was painfully conscious of not having done well enough. That's what started it off, anyway. It left me feeling bitterly disappointed and furious with myself for being so crap. I really felt I'd let the other people involved down.

However, I have slept a bit now and they're reacting as though I haven't disappointed... which at the very least proves that they care about me, as do these replies. And that is such a comfort and such a joy. Thank you :)

[danasaur.livejournal.com]

My thinking lately is that the only way for people like us to stand up proper again is if we all learn to lean against each other and try to forgive what got us here in the first place.

damnit, that's the most supportive thing I can think of at the moment, and it's not even that supportive.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

It's true; I'm just very scared to have anyone lean on me too hard. I'm very scared of failing them.

Thank you sweetheart :)

[jim-gamma.livejournal.com]

Liz, we all have things we wish we could have known or done better at or whatever. Hell, at times I think I've got more than my fair share, but then so does everyone else.

Just know that you are greatly loved by many people (including me), and that we will stand by you no matter what happens. *hugs*

Oh, and YOU ROCK!

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Thank you sweetheart :)

[james-the-evil1.livejournal.com]

Some folks think you're worth the risk, luv

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

You, sir, are a sweetheart :D