Poisoned in the bushes, blown out on the trail, hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn

[lizblackdog]

Next up: bloolark. In a departure from my usual elaborate methods, she'll be simply shot, stuffed and mounted in a large display cage. The fiendish part comes afterwards, when I take her to the nearest pet store and cunningly hypnotise the owner, who will be entirely unable to avoid speaking the words I put in his mouth.



Me: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That bloolark is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Me: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did she fall flat on her back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian bloolark prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Me: Look, I took the liberty of examining that bloolark when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bloolark down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Me: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bloolark wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! She's pining!

Me: She's not pinin'! She's passed on! This bloolark is no more! She has ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'er to the perch she'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Er metabolic processes are now 'istory! She's off the twig! She's kicked the
bucket, she's shuffled off 'er mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-bloolark!!

P.S. And I'm stealin' yer pretty black lory. XD

Comments

[bloolark.livejournal.com]

*howls with laughter* I should have stayed up for this one. Sleep deprivation makes you exceptionally entertaining, Lizzums. :)

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

I had SO MUCH FUn with the murders. Perhaps a bit too much. *shiftyeyes*