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when you say to someone, "I feel your pain", I suspect most of us don't always mean it that literally. Empathy and imagination and compassion are marvellous things.
My downstairs neighbour's wife died recently. I say recently; I think it's been several months now, actually. Though believe me, that counts as recent.
It's still very hard for me to talk to him, to spend time with it. I do understand why death makes other people run away and avoid you. They don't know what to say, they know nothing they say can make it not have happened or make it hurt less. I also know why we need to try and not do that.
You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.
So I've been spending time with him, like old veterans comparing war stories. I know it's helping him. But holy fucking shit, it's hard. I wish I could be enough of a coward to avoid him completely and not care, or brave enough to spend enough time with him not to feel guilty about all the lonely hours I'm not talking to him.
And yes, I know I've been a bit shut down and incommunicado with everyone lately. I feel guilty about that too, especially for some of you that are going through shit. And that this entry is disjointed, possibly unclear and a bit of a downer.
But eh, that's life for you.
My downstairs neighbour's wife died recently. I say recently; I think it's been several months now, actually. Though believe me, that counts as recent.
It's still very hard for me to talk to him, to spend time with it. I do understand why death makes other people run away and avoid you. They don't know what to say, they know nothing they say can make it not have happened or make it hurt less. I also know why we need to try and not do that.
You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.
So I've been spending time with him, like old veterans comparing war stories. I know it's helping him. But holy fucking shit, it's hard. I wish I could be enough of a coward to avoid him completely and not care, or brave enough to spend enough time with him not to feel guilty about all the lonely hours I'm not talking to him.
And yes, I know I've been a bit shut down and incommunicado with everyone lately. I feel guilty about that too, especially for some of you that are going through shit. And that this entry is disjointed, possibly unclear and a bit of a downer.
But eh, that's life for you.
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Poor guy, he's destroyed. I couldn't not. I'm not really any less destroyed, but I've had ten years now to learn to live with it; at least I know from direct experience now that life is still worth living and joy is still possible.
he wants to believe that. But I can see him not feeling it right now, and I remember very well what that was like. So yeah, I can't not.
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And be proud of yourself.
xxxx
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Excuse me I have to go flail in circles and pack.
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Still need to mop the floor, hoover moar, degrime the bathroom and declutter some, but I am WINNING.
I LOVE YOU!
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OMG LIZ I AM HARDLY PACKED AT ALL AND I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF TO MAKE SURE I DON'T FORGET AIE AIE AIE AIE.
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I'm sure you being there means the world to him, even if you can't be there as often as you'd like.
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