It's Father's Day and everybody's wounded

[lizblackdog]

So the doctor thinks I either have post-viral fatigue syndrome or possibly a thyroid issue. Today I went to have blood drawn so they can check thyroid functions. I don't have words for how much I was dreading this. I never had easy veins to start with, and I destroyed what little there was very thoroughly during the junkie years, so that getting blood out of me is normally only slightly easier than pulling hen's teeth. What normally happens is that the first nurse will stab me five or six times in each arm, fail to find a vein, call in a different nurse and sometimes a third, and eventually they'll send me home with both arms bruised and sore from wrist to shoulder with instructions to come in next week so they can try again. When I had my dental surgery they put the drip in my neck because no one in the entire hospital could hit my arm veins. That's how bad they are.

So I'd warned them about sucky vein access when I made the appointment, and they smiled serenely at me and said "Don't worry. We have Ying." I gave them a funny look and went "...Okay. Whatever."

Ying turned out to be a dry, quietly-competent nurse that made it hard even for me to be anxious in her presence. She felt over both my arms carefully before she so much as touched me with a needle and bugger me if she didn't hit the vein squarely on the first damn poke. That's never happened in my entire life with anyone, professional or otherwise, not in those veins.

I have typed more words today than I have in weeks. I seem to be having a good day. This has been driving me batshit because I haven't had the energy for IM conversations. I've been staying out of the Khimeros chat; I've tried, but one of the side-effects of feeling this shitty is that my brain-keyboard filter is holed and shaky and it's too hard not to get snotty with people. So I'm only talking to people who don't tend to piss me off and who understand if I say something tactless by accident. It's made me slightly stir crazy, but most of the time I've just been too fucking tired to care.

This is likely to continue for a while yet. Today's been a good day, but I've had a lot of days when the combined effort of hitting Post Comment, stringing an intelligible sentence together and then typing it has been more than I could deal with.

In other news, Spike is still licking his elbows. Also, I have liquorice allsorts and rhubarb-and-custard boiled sweets, neither of which I ordered - Tesco sent them as substitutes because they'd run out of the toffee I did order. I love the way internet grocery shopping occasionally produces these little serendipities; the rhubarb-and-custards are a bit harder than I really fancied but man, they taste good. And liquorice allsorts are complete love, especially the pink and blue sprinkle-covered liquorice jelly cushions. Though admittedly it's more usual for them to send me filthy camomile tea when I ordered blackcurrant or ginger or fennel, but still.

Today is my Dad's birthday and I feel vaguely guilty that I didn't remember till my sister posted something about it on Facebook. He was never very good at remembering birthdays either, mind you.

/end ramble

Comments

[danasaur.livejournal.com]

For me, I find it much easier to forget important days that were once attached to dead loved ones. I figure it will mostly make me miserable, which no one wants, and it's not like people who typically remember these kinds of days spend them celebrating the lives of the people who were attached to them. I can hold on to the good memories attached to these people without having to torture myself with guilt on particular days.

Of course, this is all in theory, and whenever I remember that I've intentionally forgotten something, I get all guilty and disappointed with myself, anyways.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Yes, that. I feel like it ought to be important, but honestly, it never mattered a lot to either of us when he was alive. I don't like tying emotions to specific days anyway.

Though I know I do it with some anniversaries. Hey,, I never claimed to be consistent.

[danasaur.livejournal.com]

logic and emotions don't often agree with each other 100% Sometimes, you just can't logic yourself out of feeling bad about things.

also. I hope they figure out what's going on and what to do to make it better soon. That kinda stuff is never very fun.

[mbif.livejournal.com]

Oh man, a good phlebotomist is worth his/her weight in gold.

Also, I feel you on the whole stress-making-it-difficult-to-be-reasonable thing. I've been going through a shitton of that myself lately. Nothing is harder than customer service work when your entire life is in shambles.

*snugs*

As always, if you ever need to talk, I'm here - and you know like 10000000 ways to get ahold of me. :)

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Exactly! It's part of my job to be professional and helpful and foster a good atmosphere in the Khimeros chat - okay, it's not actual money but it's the Khimeros equivalent to CSC, so I treat it as if it were. And I just can't when I feel like this unless the only people in there are my friends. I had to close the window the other day to stop myself ripping someone a new one.

lovesya <3

[mbif.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've been there. Once in a while you just have to step away until you feel human again. There are times when it takes every shred of self-restraint not to tell some dickweed exactly what I think of him and what he can do with his "I bought a GA 3 years ago, I pay your wages" bullshit spiel.

<3333333

[katkia222.livejournal.com]

I really hope they find an answer soon, I know it's awful to feel crappy and have no idea what is causing the symptoms. If they could at least tell you what you are dealing with, then you can move forward with a treatment plan. Not knowing what is going on just makes things so much tougher to handle. I'm sending good thoughts your way, hopefully the bloodwork will come up with some answers.


Thanks again for your comments about Lad. I am going to use Spike as a shining example of how things can turn out ok.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

it's pissing me off so damn much. I crave contact and conversation but I'm too tired and braindead to actually talk about anything or make sense.

I would almost rather it was thyroid than postviral fatigue, because at least that's treatable. There's fuck all you can do with the post viral except wait for it to go away and that can take months or years. I can't live like this for months, I just can't.

Spike has been a shining example of a barky obnoxious dickhead all day today. I love him so XD

[yesididit.livejournal.com]

hope they can figure out what it is. i've hit that place where i'm avoiding doctors because i'm sick of being poked and prodded and told nothing is wrong, when i dont have any energy and if allowed, i'd sleep and read my life away.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Anxiety and stress and depression all normally make me tired as well, and I was really expecting to be told it was just that; except it plainly isn't, because I've been depressed and anxious my entire life and stressed to buggery for the last year and I've NEVER felt this floppy till just lately.

it was kind of a surprise to me to find the doctor taking me seriously about it. I may have just possibly gone in on the defensive at him, but it was such a relief when he listened to me.

i should really be asleep now but I seem to be on a roll or something. I suspect I'll be sorry for it in the morning.

[mudshark58.livejournal.com]

"Don't worry. We have Ying."

Awesome. :D

[crysania4.livejournal.com]

Yikes. I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling so bad. I hope they can sort out what's going on so they can get to treating it.

That nurse sounds awesome. I don't have collapsed veins or anything but I'm totally scared of needles so someone who could just get in and out is like #1 awesome person in my book!

[taichara]

Oh ye gods, poking for veins. D8 *cringes and doesn't stop* I am so glad you had someone who could find one --!

*hugs and hugs* I'm glad it was a good day, and kind of woggle that I missed you're getting back (but ohh did I need the sleep). The rhubarb-and-custards sound awesome :3

[orac-zen.livejournal.com]

Good thoughts, Liz.

[ulva.livejournal.com]

I really hope it's not the thyroid. It's just... damn. The general opinion among doctors is that it's an easily treated illness but it's not. It's anything but.

If it is, check your other medication because some interfere with the thyroid hormones and makes you worse, especially SSRI medication is a complete no no if there's a thyroid issue. But again, I really hope it's something else.

*hugs*

[baranduyn.livejournal.com]

First: M. Leonard Cohen, heeeeyyyyyy. I love his work. I so do.

Second: Ying. Bless her and all like her, rare and scarce and precious as they are. Ying and her ilk are the difference between a tiny pin prick or a huge bruise after having blood drawn in my world.

You might get to feeling more well which is very cool.

[guipago.livejournal.com]

I have typed more words today than I have in weeks. I seem to be having a good day. This has been driving me batshit because I haven't had the energy for IM conversations. I've been staying out of the Khimeros chat; I've tried, but one of the side-effects of feeling this shitty is that my brain-keyboard filter is holed and shaky and it's too hard not to get snotty with people. So I'm only talking to people who don't tend to piss me off and who understand if I say something tactless by accident. It's made me slightly stir crazy, but most of the time I've just been too fucking tired to care.

I have been this for a long, long, long time. I guarantee if you say anything offensive to me, ever. I'll tell you, and then let it slide. Prattle away, be offensive, or just vent. I got an ear if you need one.