Dear Spike,

I know it's important for you to perform the Mighty Pawing of the Ground ritual after taking your Mighty Shit of a morning, but for the love of Tuggy, don't forget to take that all-important step sideways first. I am not Mary fucking Magdalene and washing your feet afterwards should not have to be part of the ritual.

Much love,

Our Lady of the Mighty Throwing Arm

****


Dear Squish,

Saffron was not "looking at your bone in a funny way". Get over it and stop scaring the cats or I'll take all the damn bones away.

Kisses,

She Who Has Meatball

****


Dear Anonymous Dog Walker,

For fuck's sake get some decent food into your dog. That turd I picked up from the middle of the path this morning was studded with whole corn kernels, and the one that I stepped in yesterday had a uniquely unpleasant slippery glutinosity that caused me to land on my arse in the wet grass. It's very short-sighted of you; after all, who'll clean up after you if I break my neck or puke myself to death?

Hoping your poor unfortunate protein-starved dog eats you,

The Poo Fairy.
.

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