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Just took the dogs out. The night was cold and crispy and the sky clear, and the first thing I saw was a shooting star.
Something I didn't mention yesterday to anybody, online or in the flesh, was that yesterday was the sixth anniversary of John's death. I certainly didn't forget it - rather, I made a conscious decision not to react to it in a sentimental or melancholy fashion. John - although he was both an idealist and a romantic in his own cynical, snarky way - was one of the least sentimental people I ever met, and the last person in the world to expect me to remember our love in any other way except living and loving as hard and as well as I could. So that was what I did.
But the star felt like a tangible, visible sign to go with the less obvious ones of the last few months. For the first time in six years, I dare to hope he may have forgiven me.
Something I didn't mention yesterday to anybody, online or in the flesh, was that yesterday was the sixth anniversary of John's death. I certainly didn't forget it - rather, I made a conscious decision not to react to it in a sentimental or melancholy fashion. John - although he was both an idealist and a romantic in his own cynical, snarky way - was one of the least sentimental people I ever met, and the last person in the world to expect me to remember our love in any other way except living and loving as hard and as well as I could. So that was what I did.
But the star felt like a tangible, visible sign to go with the less obvious ones of the last few months. For the first time in six years, I dare to hope he may have forgiven me.
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From:
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I know exactly what you mean, although my situation with Martin was very different. I still miss him and hear him a lot - you know what I mean? - but if he had never been part of my life I wouldn't have done some of the fairly extreme things I have done. All of which were joyous! I still *blame* him for getting me out of my rut and making me move to Ecuador. He just added so much to my life, and my experience of my life, that I feel I've a lot to feel thankful for for having had him around.
But I've no idea what it's like to have lost someone as prominent in your life as John; tough times. Really tough times. Sounds like you're experiencing your life to the full, though, and that's always the best memorial.
*friendly beer passed across*
From:
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I'm sorry that you lost Martin. He sounds like somebody well worth having known.
From:
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Yes, I get it; although most of me wishes that we didn't need to be made stronger. But that would be *lala land*, and this is real life, I suppose.
I am glad I knew Mart and gladder that I have memories of him that 1) make me smile 2) make me squirm and 3) make me feel like I've just ingested eels. I'm happier with my confused and conflicted memories of him than I am with some people who are still around. He was an original.
Sounds like John was, too, or he wouldn't have affected you so deeply. I'm raising a glass in his honour.
From:
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...for John, for Martin, for
From:
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