Winter grey and falling rain, we'll see summer come again

[lizblackdog]

Just took the dogs out. The night was cold and crispy and the sky clear, and the first thing I saw was a shooting star.

Something I didn't mention yesterday to anybody, online or in the flesh, was that yesterday was the sixth anniversary of John's death. I certainly didn't forget it - rather, I made a conscious decision not to react to it in a sentimental or melancholy fashion. John - although he was both an idealist and a romantic in his own cynical, snarky way - was one of the least sentimental people I ever met, and the last person in the world to expect me to remember our love in any other way except living and loving as hard and as well as I could. So that was what I did.

But the star felt like a tangible, visible sign to go with the less obvious ones of the last few months. For the first time in six years, I dare to hope he may have forgiven me.

Comments

[kleesrosegarden.livejournal.com]

Umm *at a slight loss * sounds like you've some fairly complex things going on.

I take it that John is an ex-partner or very close friend of yours who has passed away who you'd had some kind of altercation with before he died.

Assuming that I understood you - sounds like yours is the best way to remember someone. I lost someone a while back - three and a half years now - and my favourite way of remembering Martin is the sarcastic bitchy comments he used to make. I do things sometimes and then it comes to me how he would have reacted to them and it cracks me up. I don't do anniversaries with him, and I don't put words into his mouth. But every now and then I *hear* him say something in reaction to something I say or do, and it usually makes me laugh.

Miss him lots. Guess you miss John too. Such is life.

*hug*

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

My husband. It's not a thing I talk about very much - daft of me to behave as though everyone knew, especially as I'm such a serial adder.

I've discovered that when you love somebody, the joy of having known them will always outweigh the pain of having lost them - or at least, it will once you've survived the first raw, broken days/months/years.

I never stop missing him.

[kleesrosegarden.livejournal.com]

*sorry for foot/mouth stuff*

I know exactly what you mean, although my situation with Martin was very different. I still miss him and hear him a lot - you know what I mean? - but if he had never been part of my life I wouldn't have done some of the fairly extreme things I have done. All of which were joyous! I still *blame* him for getting me out of my rut and making me move to Ecuador. He just added so much to my life, and my experience of my life, that I feel I've a lot to feel thankful for for having had him around.

But I've no idea what it's like to have lost someone as prominent in your life as John; tough times. Really tough times. Sounds like you're experiencing your life to the full, though, and that's always the best memorial.

*friendly beer passed across*

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

It broke me - really broke me, and although I've put myself back together quite successfully, it took years and the cracks will always be visible - however, Nietzsche (did I spell that right?) was absolutely right. I am stronger now than I ever thought I could be. And happier than I thought I would be again.

I'm sorry that you lost Martin. He sounds like somebody well worth having known.

[kleesrosegarden.livejournal.com]

That which doesn't kill you...

Yes, I get it; although most of me wishes that we didn't need to be made stronger. But that would be *lala land*, and this is real life, I suppose.

I am glad I knew Mart and gladder that I have memories of him that 1) make me smile 2) make me squirm and 3) make me feel like I've just ingested eels. I'm happier with my confused and conflicted memories of him than I am with some people who are still around. He was an original.

Sounds like John was, too, or he wouldn't have affected you so deeply. I'm raising a glass in his honour.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And *clinks glass*

...for John, for Martin, for christinuviel's friend that she lost recently as well.

[christinuviel.livejournal.com]

Thanks ... *raises glass also*

[indranee.livejournal.com]

>>I've discovered that when you love somebody, the joy of having known them will always outweigh the pain of having lost them - or at least, it will once you've survived the first raw, broken days/months/years.<<

truer words were never spoken.

you're in my thoughts, Liz.

stay well.

indrani.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

thank you :)

[christinuviel.livejournal.com]

*hugs* ... Your post was really moving, and honest.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I am always honest. It's either my one great virtue or my worst failing, depending on your point of view.

[christinuviel.livejournal.com]

Either way, it's something real and true, that you can hold on to, and that gives you strength.

I was afraid to ask exactly who John was ... though of course it was someone very dear to you ... now I've read the other comments, it's even more moving to read your words about being broken, and putting yourself back together again.

Thank you also for your comment about my friend. It's disturbing to realise how much of a daily thing loss really is, how much a part of life. I really admire your strength.

[orac-zen.livejournal.com]

I dare to hope he may have forgiven me.

Why wouldn't he?

*** hugs ***

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

I let him down, very badly indeed. I got the two of us into a situation that, honestly, I don't think we could have ever got out of... and John took the only way out of it he could think of. I doubt I'd be here now if he hadn't.

He was pretty damn angry at the time, though - and with good reason.

[orac-zen.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. There's a lot more I could say but it amounts to this: I'm sure he had choices, too. And love's about forgiving, apologising, going on as much as anything else.

I'll shut up now. ;) But I'm quite sure he'd want you to go on and to be happy. You're doing that, and it's good.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

The fact is, I've never been able to forgive myself; that's what makes me uncertain of his forgiveness. But I also felt that failing to make the most of my life after that would be akin to spitting on John's life and his death, and that would have been far more unforgivable.

As the Emissary put it: I can live with it.

[orac-zen.livejournal.com]

What with one thing and another this morning I lost track of my point, which was this: You're a good person. You messed up, but in the time I've known you've always acknowledged that fact. And as you say you've gone on. I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I admire and respect you for that. This seems as good a time as any. It's a measure of you as a person that's very telling. And that's why I ask why John wouldn't forgive you...because if I know that then he did, too. ;)

Be happy. You do deserve it.

[wiccanrocka.livejournal.com]

Being as we just "met", I've no idea what happened, and I'm not going to ask... I'll just say that I hope you're doing well. *raises a glass also* Here's to you, and to John. :)

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Long, long story. The important parts are all more or less covered in the comments anyhow.

Thank you.

[james-the-evil1.livejournal.com]

hey, love, real love like you 2 had, forgives all
I'd say maybe the sign was him telling you it was ok to forgive yourself.
:-*