When the roses fade and I'm in the shade

[lizblackdog]

My favourite seasonal flowers have arrived, all down Woodbury Avenue.



I love them for every reason you can think of. They bloom at a time of year I like, when spring is still fresh and wet and green and the year hasn't had time to get hot, stale and sticky. They're beautiful and delicate and tiny and enchanting, they have a gorgeous and controversial scent that many people hate and compare to cat's pee, and they grow in extravagant abundance on a dirt-common shrub that roots happily in walls, alleys, hedgerows, farmland and woodland. They're also edible and delicious. This year I may even get off my arse and remember to make elderflower cordial.

in other news: PMS sucks donkey balls. I could live with it quite happily if it just made me angry and cranky, but it never does. It turns me into a soggy spitball of self-pity. Do you know how hard it is to type anything that makes sense when a good half of my brain is wailing "nobody luvs me yr all meeen no one ever comments waaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!" ?

For fuck's sake. CHEER UP EMO GIRL PARTS.

Comments

[ulva.livejournal.com]

Yeah they are not usefull anymore anyway.



Did I tell you how great it is that I have taken the decision to not have more kids?

Hmmm... Anders makes the perfect impression of being perfectly content with things as they are, knowing that I have declared that I don't want to have more kids. However, yesterday he told me he had dreamed that I was preggers. That's all. He told me just before he left. I have been mulling over why and what he actually thinks since then...

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

EEEEEEEEEK!!!

dreams are very often JUST DREAMS. Don't fret about it without talking to him.

[ulva.livejournal.com]

He hasn't said anything before you know. He has even said that he didn't think it was a good idea for him to become a dad (some time last autumn). I just got puzzled when he said it like that and just left. I am suspicious these days you know. I don't trust people with what they say anymore. A bad thing lingering since... yeah you know.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

This is a different man. If you sit him down and get him talking I think you'll get the truth.

[ulva.livejournal.com]

I know... but my snail heart has problems at times with the sudden changes...

But you're right. I'll talk with him tomorrow. I think. Perhaps.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Don't worry. It'll be fine. People have wistful thoughts about kids sometimes - I have myself - but that's not the same as "OMG must breed!". He already knew you didn't want any more and he didn't go into this lightly - if that was going to be a breaking point it would have happened already, I think.

[ulva.livejournal.com]

Hell no, it's no breaking point. As you say, if that was the case I don't think we would be where we are now.

that's not the same as "OMG must breed!"

Heh. That's exactly what happened to almost all my friends when they hit 30.

Come to think of it, he turns 30 in 3 weeks...

[romulantbonz.livejournal.com]

He may think he knows what he wants and yet not really know.

No deceit needs to be involved. And sometimes what you want changes without you doing it on purpose.

[ulva.livejournal.com]

You definitely have a point. Thing is that there's been no reason for him before to think along those lines, simply because none of his previous relationships have been that serious and besides, he wasn't that old either. But I don't think he has been deceitful.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

I am idly reading through old, old livejournal entries and commenting tot this, because when you get the email notification - if you have time to look back and read the comment it will make you laugh.

Kiss Tove for me :D

[ulva.livejournal.com]

Oh I have an entry on this subject too and I clearly remember what I said back then.

The only excuse I have is that at that point I really felt like that. It wasn't just about kids but also about living together with someone again. I was ok having a love relationship, but I wasn't thrilled about having a man sharing my home that I had a love interest in. I really wanted the feeling of having a back door open in case the love interest turned out to be a bastard. Anders looked promising but you never know. I was still hesitant a year later when he moved in here.

At the time it was such a relief to take decisions on my own, revolting against any expectations and breathe freely again.

I haven't had time to reply to your comment the other day about the cranes but if you feel you're up to it I'm gladly accepting your help. I've got to warn you though, they're rather small and in the beginning it's a bit tricky to fold them, mostly because they're quite small.

Here's the deal, I've got the paper so I could mail you the paper cut in the right size squares. I don't know how many you'd manage so you'll have to make some estimation there. Then it's just to fold and send back to me! I don't remember if I still have your address but you can inbox me here on LJ so I have it. Pretty little feature BTW I didn't know existed until Bonnie inboxed me with cheering messages when life sucked the worst when the breastfeeding didn't work.

Luv ya! :)

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

I used to amuse myself by making cranes out of one inch squares of that foil paper that comes out of the tops of cigarette packs. I bet yours are bigger than that.

...I have no idea how long folding a thousand might take, though, and so i hesitate to volunteer for the whole lot in case it's actually impossible for obe person to do. But I can certainly do several hundred, i should think, and if that goes quickly enough you can send several hundred more.

and yes, I do understand. Everything you felt and said made perfect sense in the time and context you said it. Ot still does. Just the contrast between what you felt then and how things turned out amused me.
love you too! all of you!

[ulva.livejournal.com]

Oh, I didn't expect you to do the whole lot! :eek: And "several hundred" is a bit... unspecified. :p Inbox me your address and I'll ship off... lets see, 200 for now? Would that be ok? I'll send them so you get them next week.

I started folding today. I have 3 measly cranes on the kitchen table; that's all I managed today in between the laundry, cooking and generally tidying up, while catering for Anders' and Tove's needs, since he was the one in charge of her. The 10 a day approach suddenly feels very unrealistic. LOL!