I hear the train a-comin', it's rolling round the bend

[lizblackdog]

You know that feeling you get just before you realise that you've left the gas on, or an oven glove on a hot stovetop, or your keys/child/dog in the car, or something? That urgent sense of imminent disaster that you can prevent as soon as you remember just what it is?

I haven't stopped feeling like that almost constantly since the beginning of the DWP/mental illness medical drama. And that was back in September last year. It doesn't leave me with a lot of energy. I crave people and socialising and interaction as much as I ever did but every second of contact with anyone uses up energy. I used to have enough and to spare but this constant shoe-drop vigilance soaks up so much that I've all but shut down. It's killed my attention span and my capacity for concentration, neither of which were all that great to start with. Then I feel guilty about not answering comments and not finishing projects and etc etc etc. It's become a downward spiral that I don't have the energy to lift myself out of unaided.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon. I need this to change before I break irretrievably. I probably won't answer comments on this entry either because I need to go and lie down till my heart stops hammering, but know that I am reading them and that I'm committed to resuming normal service as soon as possible. thank you.

Comments

[ulva.livejournal.com]

The threat of someone pulling the rug from under your feet can beat down the sturdiest of characters. The cancer on top of that... well, you've had one helluva year. For you, avoiding the world is something you tend to do when you're not doing well, so I really hope the appointment tomorrow will help with that.

Always remember, I love you Liz. *hugs*

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

Yes. And that threat isn't gone; everything I went through could only postpone it. Possibly for as long as two years, but we have a new government that I trust even less than the old one, so I wouldn't actually be surprised to be told all bets are off in that department. In fact I more or less expect it. This is one reason I'm seeking medical help, so that there'll be proof of my problems in my medical records for next time.

Dad's death and Spike's cancer, in their way, were easier to deal with. One of them required nothing from me except to pass through it and the other only required me to throw everything I had at defeating it. It wasn't any less painful but it wasn't complicated or treacherous.

I don't ever forget it, and I love you too. Thank you <3