This is no time to start snapping any loud twigs.

[lizblackdog]

So my actual problem is this. I need to fill in a form explaining in detail why I disagree with the Department of Work and Pensions over the results of a recent medical examination. I know pretty much exactly what I want to say, since the DWP were thoughtful enough to include a point-by-point list of all the places where the medical examiner either made up answers to questions he completely neglected to ask me or ticked boxes that directly contradicted what I did tell him.

The trouble I'm having with it is that every time I try to DO it my throat closes up and my heart starts pounding to the point where I have to go and lie down till I can see straight again. Also I appear not to own a functional pen, which I'm aware ought not, for any reasonable person, to be any level of real problem.

I've got through the last few days using my old tried and tested tactic of pretending it's not happening. This never works for long.

Word of the day: Suicidal ideation. It's not in me to kill myself; I know this beyond all doubt. So I find myself not telling people how attractive the idea seems so much of the time, because I don't want to worry them over something I know I'm not going to do.

For anyone who's read this far, yes, I am VERY well aware that half my f-list is coping far better with far worse trouble. I'm just... people keep asking me how I am. People seem to want to know. Well, there it is.

Comments

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

i think it's largely that so much hinges on it, and that the powers that be really want to get people off incapacity and onto JSA.

I wouldn't say "fear that I won't get the money" so much as absolute screaming terror of the conditions I'd have to fulfil to qualify for JSA. Seriously, X number of job interviews per week? Attending the jobcentre regularly when some days i can only get out of the house at ALL because the dogs will piss on the floor if i don't, when I scurry them round the block for their walks ready to scream or burst into tears if anyone looks at me? And how likely am I to even be able to GET a job? An ex-junkie with a criminal record that hasn't had a real job in something like seventeen years? See, there ARE jobs out there that i'd be capable of doing, although perhaps not many - the part I couldn't handle is the part where I have to jump through hoops to convince the jobcentre that I'm deserving of being allowed an income, and the part where I'm supposed to not have a nervous breakdown between point A and point B when filling in a simple damn form for these people brings on a panic attack and having to go to their office brings on a worse one. And I would keep having to do it, week after week after week and I can't. i just can't, and then what?

that's what's paralysing me. knowing that it can go one way or the other and that "the other" is something I cannot tolerate, that I don't want to live through.

I need a pen. i wish to hell you lived nearer. Thank you.

[huntingdon.livejournal.com]

Sure they have targets to make the change, but they also have targets to help those who need incapacity.

If you put down about not being able to leave the house and the tears then that will get you some way there.

Don't significantly mention the criminal record angle. That won't help you stay on incapacity - we have a number of programmes designed to place people with serious records, and I've seen them work effectively even for murderers. But you're not in that situation because of the mental health problems which DO qualify you for incapacity.

Even if you get rejected this time there are still methods of appeal up to and including involving your local MP, and if gets to that level I'll come down and hold your hand while you do it. So this is NOT your only chance to get it right. It would simply be nice and more convenient for that to happen.

So, basically, don't worry about the hoops you would have to do IF you got switched to JSA. It won't get to that.

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

No, I wasn't going to - it's just a factor that contributes to my anxiety, because hell, if I were an employer that didn't know me I sure as hell wouldn't want to hire me, you know?

I told the damn nedical examiner that I get out of bed and dressed because the dogs make the alternative not possible, and that they're the only thing that DOES get me out of the house most days. That that's one of my biggest reasons for HAVING dogs, because otherwise I can't count on being able to make myself do either of those things.

And there are two questions on this damn form where they've added up my "mental illness points" - one is "Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the mornings" and one is "Do you have trouble leaving the house on your own" - and that fucker has ticked no for both of them. Which is why i DO think i have more than reasonable grounds for appeal. It's just doing my head in that I have to do all this.

[yesididit.livejournal.com]

this is what my dogs do for me as well. they're the only thing that got me thru the worst of my depression, and when my anxiety hits, they help ground me, help me find reality again.

you cant compare yourself with others, its not the same. everyone struggles with different things, and some struggles are harder than others. all that matters is that you *are* having a hard time of this.

you've got some good friends on lj with some good advice here.

is incapacity like ssdi?

[lizblackdog.livejournal.com]

from what i've seen on your journal it's similar enough, yeah. And I've qualified for it with no trouble for the last ten years. It's really just this quota thing that made him fail me this time.

and yes, exactly that. And also this: my dogs are the one single thing in my life I don't feel I've failed at. That's important too.

thank you <3

[yesididit.livejournal.com]

not to mention its nice to have that unconditional love. no strings attached, no guilt trips or mind games, no grudges, just love and joy. ok, maybe attempted guilt trips over food, but thats it.

if it were me, i'd want help filling out the form. i got so overwhelmed at all the appeal forms i had to fill out for ssdi that i gave up and hired a lawyer to handle it. i was worried that i would write the wrong answer or write the answer in the wrong way and i'd be denied over something stupid, so i totally understand your anxiety.

its ok to want help, and its ok to need help. it sounds like there are people out there who can help you tackle this form and i think it would be good to take advantage of that. we've all got enough stress in our lives without adding to it.

*hugs* do what you gotta do to get thru it. you're strong lady.