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So my actual problem is this. I need to fill in a form explaining in detail why I disagree with the Department of Work and Pensions over the results of a recent medical examination. I know pretty much exactly what I want to say, since the DWP were thoughtful enough to include a point-by-point list of all the places where the medical examiner either made up answers to questions he completely neglected to ask me or ticked boxes that directly contradicted what I did tell him.
The trouble I'm having with it is that every time I try to DO it my throat closes up and my heart starts pounding to the point where I have to go and lie down till I can see straight again. Also I appear not to own a functional pen, which I'm aware ought not, for any reasonable person, to be any level of real problem.
I've got through the last few days using my old tried and tested tactic of pretending it's not happening. This never works for long.
Word of the day: Suicidal ideation. It's not in me to kill myself; I know this beyond all doubt. So I find myself not telling people how attractive the idea seems so much of the time, because I don't want to worry them over something I know I'm not going to do.
For anyone who's read this far, yes, I am VERY well aware that half my f-list is coping far better with far worse trouble. I'm just... people keep asking me how I am. People seem to want to know. Well, there it is.
The trouble I'm having with it is that every time I try to DO it my throat closes up and my heart starts pounding to the point where I have to go and lie down till I can see straight again. Also I appear not to own a functional pen, which I'm aware ought not, for any reasonable person, to be any level of real problem.
I've got through the last few days using my old tried and tested tactic of pretending it's not happening. This never works for long.
Word of the day: Suicidal ideation. It's not in me to kill myself; I know this beyond all doubt. So I find myself not telling people how attractive the idea seems so much of the time, because I don't want to worry them over something I know I'm not going to do.
For anyone who's read this far, yes, I am VERY well aware that half my f-list is coping far better with far worse trouble. I'm just... people keep asking me how I am. People seem to want to know. Well, there it is.
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When I start to panic about something that SHOULD be simple (and I've had my share of things like that), I find it helpful to ask someone to sit with me while I do the task at hand. That way, instead of panicking and avoiding the dreaded task, i can talk it out, or make jokes or take a small break and the other person can help keep me on task. Were I in England, I'd give you a pen and help you out!
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I'll deal with it, i know I will. I just had a moment of compulsive honesty. MY BROKEN BRAIN, LET ME SHOW YOU IT.
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Is there a friend you can trust to help you go through the first few items step by step--often that will support me enough to do the rest without going into mental shutdown.
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but everyone not her that could do it isn't in reach. I hate the internet sometimes. everyone I love and trust that isn't a blood relation is too far away.
thank you!
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Paperwork, blargh! We hates it.
Clearly not the right moment for the task, I'd say.
Have you tried addressing just one point, finishing that, and putting it aside? If you do that enough times, it's eventually reduced to being a simple matter of copying all the bits into one place and mailing it off.
Or you can just wait until you're fed up with having the stupid thing hanging around, pick a time when nothing much else is going on (turn off the phone, lock the door, etc., as necessary) and bash through it the best you can. Don't be afraid to rewrite a couple of times for polish.
I do sometimes have trouble with facing Official Stuff what Needs to be Done, and both methods have been known to work.
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Re: Paperwork, blargh! We hates it.
I clearly need to get someone to come and hold my hand and bring me a pen. I'll probbaly call my mother.
thank you :)
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Re: Paperwork, blargh! We hates it.
Hang in there. I know that sounds stupid. But when dealing with the administration, it takes a lot of hanging.
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I would also say that there may be someone at the DWP who could help, but they are pretty much evil incarnate.
Also might be worth getting a second opinion on the medical exam as well, as the examiner sounds like a bit of a jobsworth.
I'm sure you'll get through it
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I'm a bit scared of the CAB, they turned out to be SO useless back when John and I were trying to get help with a... what's the word for it. Constructive dismissal. Tribunal.
getting my own doctor to help is a possible very good idea though. They didn't even contact him and I know he'll back me up. He's gotten me through more crap than anyone else has and he's AWESOME.
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If there's a time limit, and your mother is down with the flu, maybe that's an option? Hell, if you trust me enough with information like that, I'd say you send it on to me and I'll do my best tonight (after 9:30 my time, though...).
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it's so sweet of you to offer though. Thank you XD
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But good luck with it regardless. I hope it resolves itself soon.
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I know of very few people whose brains and hearts aren't broken in some manner or another. If I could break into mine, you'd see my battle scars. Big, raised, keloid things. Now, you posted and have gotten good advice too so I don't have anything to add.
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*nod*
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while I'm here, you know that I'm one of those people who never swears at the person on the other end of the phone no matter HOW upset i am, don't you?
i have been known to cry at them, mind you.
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I've had the odd person cry but they're pretty rare. On the boards I work on, the main problems tend to be grumpy old men and on the ministerial one, some really, really nasty bastards and sheer crazies, along with nice people at their wits' end who I do endeavour to help best I can.
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when I read about it i feel embarrassed for being one of the DWP's customers at all. because I KNOW you're not exaggerating.
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I know exactly how you feel regarding starting that letter - and you know that I can relate to a lot of things you wrote here. I wish I had some more sound advice for you.
...but I do have one little bit: keep talking. Write in here and use this space to freely express and analyze. My journal has helped me learn about myself in so many ways; I hope that you can experience that same illumination.
*hugs*
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thank you :D
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With DWP it's all about using the right words. Despite your bad experience with the CAB they are mostly professional - and have done an awful lot in recent years to train both staff and volunteers. The downside is that there tend to be long queues right now because of the recession.
I'm happy to talk you through the form at some point if you want. You could always do it in sections as well. Just try for the first question. Once that's done, try the next two and so on.
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I wouldn't say "fear that I won't get the money" so much as absolute screaming terror of the conditions I'd have to fulfil to qualify for JSA. Seriously, X number of job interviews per week? Attending the jobcentre regularly when some days i can only get out of the house at ALL because the dogs will piss on the floor if i don't, when I scurry them round the block for their walks ready to scream or burst into tears if anyone looks at me? And how likely am I to even be able to GET a job? An ex-junkie with a criminal record that hasn't had a real job in something like seventeen years? See, there ARE jobs out there that i'd be capable of doing, although perhaps not many - the part I couldn't handle is the part where I have to jump through hoops to convince the jobcentre that I'm deserving of being allowed an income, and the part where I'm supposed to not have a nervous breakdown between point A and point B when filling in a simple damn form for these people brings on a panic attack and having to go to their office brings on a worse one. And I would keep having to do it, week after week after week and I can't. i just can't, and then what?
that's what's paralysing me. knowing that it can go one way or the other and that "the other" is something I cannot tolerate, that I don't want to live through.
I need a pen. i wish to hell you lived nearer. Thank you.
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If you put down about not being able to leave the house and the tears then that will get you some way there.
Don't significantly mention the criminal record angle. That won't help you stay on incapacity - we have a number of programmes designed to place people with serious records, and I've seen them work effectively even for murderers. But you're not in that situation because of the mental health problems which DO qualify you for incapacity.
Even if you get rejected this time there are still methods of appeal up to and including involving your local MP, and if gets to that level I'll come down and hold your hand while you do it. So this is NOT your only chance to get it right. It would simply be nice and more convenient for that to happen.
So, basically, don't worry about the hoops you would have to do IF you got switched to JSA. It won't get to that.
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I told the damn nedical examiner that I get out of bed and dressed because the dogs make the alternative not possible, and that they're the only thing that DOES get me out of the house most days. That that's one of my biggest reasons for HAVING dogs, because otherwise I can't count on being able to make myself do either of those things.
And there are two questions on this damn form where they've added up my "mental illness points" - one is "Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the mornings" and one is "Do you have trouble leaving the house on your own" - and that fucker has ticked no for both of them. Which is why i DO think i have more than reasonable grounds for appeal. It's just doing my head in that I have to do all this.
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you cant compare yourself with others, its not the same. everyone struggles with different things, and some struggles are harder than others. all that matters is that you *are* having a hard time of this.
you've got some good friends on lj with some good advice here.
is incapacity like ssdi?
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and yes, exactly that. And also this: my dogs are the one single thing in my life I don't feel I've failed at. That's important too.
thank you <3
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if it were me, i'd want help filling out the form. i got so overwhelmed at all the appeal forms i had to fill out for ssdi that i gave up and hired a lawyer to handle it. i was worried that i would write the wrong answer or write the answer in the wrong way and i'd be denied over something stupid, so i totally understand your anxiety.
its ok to want help, and its ok to need help. it sounds like there are people out there who can help you tackle this form and i think it would be good to take advantage of that. we've all got enough stress in our lives without adding to it.
*hugs* do what you gotta do to get thru it. you're strong lady.
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yeah, I will. I think I just needed to get my screaming wibble off my chest first.
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I don't have any actual advice regarding your real problem, though. I just hope everything turns out alright <3
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Love you <3
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and I thought I was the only person who did that! I have nothing to contribute but sympathy; however, I am now shaking because reading this entry has reminded me of something similar that I had BETTER stop avoiding or I will be in real problems.
I had managed to completely forget about it for three months now; I've only got 3 weeks left to fix it.
You are in my thoughts and prayers {{{HUGS}}}
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I've done it all my life and there've been SOME problems that actually have gone away and forgotten me for good, but they're a very tiny minority. Usually they just get bigger and uglier to the point where you HAVE to do something.
Thank you. You too are always in mine.
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